Thursday, 23 June 2011

Touching the void, homemade anxiety and looking at... nothing

Only kept this for posterity's sake as it was an account of when I was working abroad as an English teacher to start with. I had just read the book 'Prometheus Rising' and my analysis of anxiety was done in terms of that. 
Hence why it is nonsensical ramblings at the end unless you have read the book. Anyways, I had just discovered the formless realm, aka 'the void', during meditation and I believed this was a major discovery at the time. Whilst it is written in the Buddhist literature it is important not to revere it as I did to start with. 
There is little of value here for any investigator, however, the story about my stalker is chronicled here, so that is the reason this post has not been deleted! - Gh0$T 2014 

Hey all, been busy as fook with work but banged out half a years syllabus and shit loads of lessons despite having tonsillitis and phalingitis straight after. It is in remission thankfully after 3 weeks of antibiotics, so looks like I can cruise for a while at least. That is if I have not got a dose of measles coming on, which I think I may have eek!

Can't post comments on blogger either for some reason, still on 56k modem but think its to do with cookies and connection speed. Who knows...

I wanted to post my findings on the void. Only really glanced the surface of it at first but could clearly see the use in it. My take is that when looking at the void, you get smashed with an uber - dose of honesty. Now the thing is with depression it is always built on negative core beliefs that get reactivated at some point. Its normal to feel down sometimes but depression is a chemical state change in the brain that is triggered by dissonance and the activation of these beliefs.

Literally depression is a feedback loop caused by thought and the body responds by changing its chemical configuration temporarily. We already know this but I originally thought that liberation was the cure for it. I really did think it was THE cure for psychosomatic depression. Since I have been liberated, I have not had any depression or anxiety. I have been down a few times but not in the same way. Still there is the feedback there though in some capacity and I did think, it was just residual.

I think a few people mentioned that they could just palm it off by thinking there is no me and that seems like a denial to me in some ways but I found myself doing exactly that at times when required. It works in a limited capacity and it was very useful for dealing with issues before they have a chance to snowball.

So I took this opportunity to experiment. I tried to build up anxiety (more difficult than it sounds) to levels where I felt very uncomfortable and started to feel negative. I have had a lot of health problems of late, with two throat infections, working very hard and straining my voice when teaching. I am still being plagued by a stalker and my ex missus is still hounding me.

There is a bit of a cold war going on between them all, I have no contact with my ex's husband but between the people here and myself, there has just been an ongoing facade that has lasted for around six months. I am fucking sick of it but I still have three months left on my contract, I just want to get it done, get my reference and then I will hang here for a month or so to work on a book and then get my arse back to blighty all being good.

The stalking business is not funny, I am dealing with a bona - fide psychopath. BTW this is not a cry for help but I am trying to give you the background to the anxiety state I managed to achieve. Any ways this woman is mentally ill, I have sent her texts telling her to go and kill her self and she is still after all this time asking me out to dinner. She has been spying on me outside my house and all sorts of wierd shit. All she ever talks about is how great I am and how she is going to marry me one day.

I hear this off her friend who was my ex. Despite her shitting on her family and her friend to be with me, they are still friends. Inexplicable really but they are not even really friends, it is just a surface level mutual companionship agreement. Any ways cut a long story short a while ago I handed in my notice and the school actually gave me a new office in the building the opposite end of the school, to convince me to stay. The director of the school warned them to stay away from me and as the school holiday was 2 months, it was plain sailing and I was able to focus a lot of energy in to liberating people.

Since term has started I have been hammered by my workload and my stalker is my co teacher for three lessons on a Friday and that is the only contact I have with her. Before this last weekend she started telling me how my ex was happy now we were separated and how she had a nice happy family now I was out of the loop. I actually ditched her but yeah I am still hurting over it. It was plain to see that she was actually trying to sink a knife in to me but she is so deluded she can not even see what a vile person she is being.

She then started to sing a Ricky Nelson song to me. The song is called poor little fool. It is about a guy who falls in love with a girl who was playing him like a poor little fool. This was rather in the serial killer ilk and I felt my hackles rise but I did not bite and laughed it off. After lunch she had downloaded it on to her phone and played it to me and then played it again. Yeah, I was pretty seething, it pushed my buttons but instead I just turned round and told her that she was actually insane.

I said “Look honestly at what you are doing, just actually take a look at what you are doing in real life now”.
"You are a vile disgusting human being, I meant everything I said, I have no respect for you what so ever, you are a crazy old hag, you are actually insane, you need professional help".
This was a spectacular fail on my part. I had her set her up as her qualifying herself to me and then she started to talk about going for lunch next week. She started trying to lend me her laptop which I have no need for and I had her to shove it in to her arms and bundle her out of the door.

I told my boss about it, I told her that she had to stay away from me but the fucked up thing is, she has told the staff at the school that she is only trying to look after me and that she does not fancy me. Well she has already admitted that she does and its plain to see that she is still obsessed. Obviously as I am a foreigner, they think its me who is looking in to things too much. No. She is genuinely nuts, I have had nothing but problems, she seems to think that "I must feel the pain of heartbreak to truly know what love is" quote from a text message. She also threatened to grass me up to the immigration bureau for working here illegally indirectly.

Hence, I have had to be semi polite to her when I see her in school but ignore any text messages or phone calls that I receive from her. The whole thing is a stupid charade and to top it all off, I have problems with the other teachers at the school. There is the language barrier here but I have fallen out of favour with people of late as I have been ill for 2 months and have not really made the effort or talk to anyone or made any effort to get involved with extra curricular activities at the school since we started back.

I also bailed on a teachers outing when I was first struck with this illness and people took it as me being ignorant but in actual fact why the fuck would I want to go on holiday with a bunch of people who hardly speak English. But fuck... I am working my arse off here and after teaching with a sore throat, I am never in the mood for pleasantries any more.

I have had a unique post liberation experience in that, I am not able to converse with many people directly because of the language barrier and whilst that foul stench of rotten fish (ego) comes up now and again, I think I have been pretty free from the toxicity that I would likely be to encounter in other people, when thinking about going home to blighty. Being exposed to that foul self serving culture that I left behind 3 and a half years ago will shock me I think. There again it reeks over here too, most people are very plastic and false here (very Thai) so, I think the difference will be seeing it in the people I have known and loved for all this time, that will have the greatest impact on me.

Other unique post liberation factors are my job. Being a foreign teacher is quite hard work at times but since liberation I tend to just regularly fall in the zone whilst teaching. However, it is easy to get attached to the ego role again just because this environment facilitates it well. I often get home and realise that there is actually no me, which always cheers me up. I'm looking forward to trying to get in the void more often while I am focussed intently on tasks.

Anyways sorry for waffling but this is background shit as I say.
I get home and get a text from the ex telling me she loves me. So I text back saying she is a vile snake blah blah. I get a text from my stalker asking me out to dinner.

Fuck I am lying in bed, I can't swallow, I have high fever, my throat is raw from trying to teach, I am getting hounded by people, I have fallen out with most of the staff by being very aloof and distant from them, my students are lazy and some of them actively resist learning, I have been very ill for two months, mildly ill for 6, I have mild haemorrhoids from eating very spicy food, no girlfriend, no weekend drinking buddy for 40km (luckily my friend started work at a school 2 months ago), the house is getting eaten by termites and I am up to my eyeballs in work. Gold. This has got depression trigger written all over it.

The only thing to do was let it build and not intervene. I woke up miserable as sin and I really felt trapped in this place, really trapped. The hardest part was consciously not intervening in the thought patterns (like I could anyway) but focussing my attention on the negative thoughts themselves. By the next day I was starting to reach the end of my tether. The thoughts started arising about going home and bailing. I started to get critical thoughts about myself but they had no traction, as I know self is false. The thing here was that I was in the feedback loop and I had generated the anxiety but the critical thoughts could not hold any more.

 However the feedback took on some momentum regarding my situation, the stress and the discomfort it has been causing me generally. It did actually to start to run of its own accord, as I have been very lonely the last few weeks and it started to take on a life of its own.

I tried to look at that “the fact that stuff exists thing” that Stephven cracked and that had no effect on me. Last time it was insta - bliss. All the looking at the void did was provide temporary relief but I had done no actual focussing soley on the void for protracted periods. At this point I actually thought fuck. I had tried to make myself depressed and I realised that I actually managed to make myself depressed by not intervening in the thought processes with no self as I usually would.

Now at this point I decided that I had to try and circumvent it, I lost my nerve. I did not want to get to the stage of full depression and induce a full chemical state change. I have been there before and yeah, I do really fear going back there again. So I had managed to build a feedback loop of genuine anxiety however, the part where you get all self critical and go in to full depression, I don't think I could have triggered even if I wanted to now. In that respect it is not fully fledged depression but I had built up a lot of anxiety from my circumstances and was able to let it snowball by not looking at it for what it is.

That is the trouble with trying to create depression, if you don't want to do it, it happens if you are trying it for experimental purposes then there is some kind of forcing required by simply not intervening. In that respect there is a slight false factor but I genuinely had angry self destructive thoughts about throwing in the towel and going home, being alone and feeling overwhelmed.

These were in no way forced, I had let the thought complexes snowball. So in that respect I can categorise this state as intense stress, anger and anxiety, rather than actual depression. I am absolutely convinced that pre - liberation, this would have been a trigger for a depressive state but I was actually able to circumvent this using the void.

I started off with meditating on the void, it is different because you get this extra clear seeing of the false self. I can see the heresy idea clearly, it is very strong and I totally see how people can meditate for three hours a day when they are at this stage "on the path". Is that what they call samadhi? It is very blissful and you just kind of melt in to a blissful state.

Straight away this struck me as being potentially useful as instant relief from depressive symptoms. As some know, depression is a very heavy feeling and it is overwhelming. For a start this is some good ground for being able to step back from the turmoil and look at what is going on. I felt myself going in to the bliss state and then I stepped back to analyse the cognitions that arose.

Fuck me. Now when I say honesty, it is just that clear seeing. There is no choice but to be honest when looking from this angle at what the mind complex is throwing up, because you can not delude yourself about what you are actually witnessing. I think where Ciaran said it is like living with a real fiction is bang on the money. At this point I see what Stephven meant about having his perception inverted.

Literally at first when liberated there is the seeing that this construct is false and that is real. When Ciaran had the character thing, I think it was just a glimpse of this vista. By using the void it actually has the full traction now. I made the Samadhi reference as it actually did feel like a union with one consciousness. I mentioned this when I first saw the void.

Spiritual metaphors aside, I can see why Advaitans talk about true self and false self, there is just the attribution of labels to these two perceived things. You can clearly see the false self that is not "you", they just happened to happen to believe they (true self) emanated from beyond the void. Personally I think we are one consciousness experiencing itself - The universe IS consciousness? 

You get that real space between the perceived problem the mind throws up and this is valuable space for you to do the numbers on the construct. I basically in a half hour session realise that all the anxiety was false and completely smashed it to pieces. I mean seriously, that anxiety I had generated was just smashed in under half an hour and I came out of the meditation feeling light. During the meditation I turned the lance on to the thought complexes and was able to get down to the beliefs that made the thought complexes.

I thought that by going deeper down to the beliefs I could uproot all the layers of BS on top. Remains to be seen if I can destroy the core beliefs but that would be annihilation to some degree. I was able to turn the lance on the core beliefs and it was just literally like the whole anxiety thing was ludicrous. I laughed out loud once I had seen this. I don't know if I was able to shift the core beliefs in any capacity, that remains to be seen but since negative self critical thoughts no longer have any power, I will not easily be able to tell.
The core beliefs have lost traction over me anyway in many ways, so to put it in a quantitive statement is pretty difficult.

I have been on cool down for 3 days now, in order to make sure that no negativity arose again, which it has not. I may also have had the effect of the void and witnessed it truly for the first time but I am convinced this is not the case as I saw it previously but had not really delved in to the guts of it.

Depression relies on self critical thought complexes on the time binding semantic circuit (circuit III) and socio sexual circuit (circuit IV). [Prometheus Rising – Anton Wilson] These complexes are related to bio survival anxiety and anal territorial (circuits I and II). Whilst these can be witnessed as false, they have the ability to be circumvented once liberated. Simply by witnessing the cognitions driven by circuit I and II programming, it is plain to see how in reality they are just pure fantasy, based on archaic emotional impulses.

Really they are completely archaic circuits, driving cognitions to be produced on circuit III with circuit IV interactions. Now whilst circuits I and II are useful to say a lizard, they tend to just screw us up and cause problems despite the good intentions they were designed for originally and the useful purpose they still serve.

To a depressed person, circuits I and II drive this anxiety loop and whilst a depressed state can not be broken out of as we are still controlled by this circuitry, we have actually witnessed that there is the ability to turn it round by liberation and this deepening. The conditioning hooked in to circuits I and II is responsible for many problems and still can cause anxiety post liberation albeit its impact is limited and thought complexes can now be completely neutered by the looks of it. In this regard it looks like some degree of meta – programming (as in the organism itself) is being used that would explain this phenomena.

I think that liberation is a precursor to the neurosomatic circuit (circuit V) activation. On witnessing the void it would appear that this is in fact a circuit V activation. I would hypothesise that by committing the heresy of annihilation, it is actually a repeated imprinting of circuit V. I would also argue that as time goes on the more this circuit is used, the more annihilation will occur. In that respect I think the heresy is unavoidable in the long term. Only time will tell but there is further evidence to suggest that other circuits are involved in this process and liberation is an activation of these. I will delve deeper soon in to this but I know circuits I – IV are solid, further circuits start to get meta physical in nature but within the confines of observable experience. I will look in to this soon.

As for overnight cure of depression, no I doubt it but I certainly think that the scope here is for remission and then prevention. This has got to be better than banging back prozac or any other SSRI's.

From my experiment here, I was able to smash through this anxiety and I mean literally blow it to pieces in no time at all and if it is found to be repeatable in all test subjects, then this is a potent tool that can be used to circumvent depression that is psychosomatic and is not based on specific neuro - transmitter deficiencies. More data needs to be amassed but it would appear that thought complexes formed on circuits I and II that cause anxiety can be dismantled easily.

I have been liberated for 6 months now and whilst I have not been depressed for ages, I can see the potency of this tool. Whilst this was not tested on full blown depression, I am certain that this would have been a triggering event pre liberation. Whilst this is only a subjective analysis, I know that I bounced from episode to episode for a long time and now it seems that there is a working power tool in order to really crack the mechanism of suffering. Time will tell but I think this time that this is a solid tool that can potentially cure non neuro - transmitter deficiency type depressive states and dismantle suffering with more scope than we previously had post – liberation.

We need to TEST TEST TEST this and see how it pans out.
Fucking hell, Pfeizer may not like this one!! :)

It also seems that there is further scope for more circumvention of circuit I and II mechanisms. The degree of heresy to be committed may be higher in these cases but maybe a balance can be achieved whereby undesirable patterns are annihilated but desirable ones remain intact.

Further experimentation:
Need to find people who are suffering from depression, liberate them and then test this application and look at the time scales involved in circumventing depression completely from start to finish. People who are suicidal should be avoided for obvious reasons until a pattern emerges.

Discover if people who are schizoid, may well benefit from liberation. This may be dangerous for the test subject but once a stable pattern emerges then it is something worth looking in to.

See if there is in any way a concrete method of dismantling core beliefs completely without the cardinal sin of heresy. This is the baseline of depression, so in being able to disrupt circuit I and II core beliefs quickly, this would be an even more potent tool if it is possible to do so. Circuit III is the construct that should be left alone however, by removing the lynch pins this may cause annihilation attributes.

Find out ways to see if utilising the void can be used to suppress circuit I and II type anxieties on the fly without the annihilation effect occurring.

Try to quantify direct observations of reality in relation to circuit V interactions and the role that circuits VI – VIII are possibly playing in this. Again this is lumped in with “meta – physical” phenomena but it is directly observable and must have a rational explanation.


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